Sex with Sex Geeks May Have Ruined Me for Sex with Muggles


I had a great first sexydate with a new Friend With Benefits (FWB) this week and one of the best things about it was the lack of assumptions as to what was on the table for the evening. After some wine and casual catching up conversation, it was time to figure out how to transition to getting naked. We're both a little shy and though we were touching, it wasn't progressing into more intimate touch, so I was about to use one of my go-to moves and either pounce on him or start taking off my clothes when he mentioned his monster cock. My eyes lit up with excitement and demanded he show me. The night was definitely getting good!

He undid…the clasp on his bicycle pannier and pulled out the most beautiful silicone creations I'd seen in ages. An amazing, fire red dildo sculpted with scales, ridges, and bumps. Oooh! So pretty! “If you're into pegging me with that, I'd be in. I cleaned myself out just in case that was on the table.” This was not typical first time behavior from a guy from okcupid and I really liked the difference.

Don't get me wrong. I am also into the kind of sexytimes that come from someone pushing me against the wall and kissing me legless when they've barely made it through the door. Where my panties are on the floor and their face is between my legs before I really even know what has happened. It's super hot to get carried away by the sexy current, but when we stop to catch our breath for a moment and I ask, “What sorts of things drive you wild?” I really want an answer with more specifics than, “You'll find out.” I'd really prefer to find out by someone telling me with their words, or better yet an itemized spreadsheet.

The notion that sex is something that is supposed to flow effortlessly without verbal communication is maddening to me. With a long-term partner you do develop a lot of non-verbal shortcuts, and reading someone's body language is an essential part of being a good sex partner, but with a brand-new sexyfriend, it's really hard to tell what each sigh, moan, or moment of silence means. Is that person quiet because they don't like something or do they not make noise even when loving everything you're doing? Have they gone rigid and still because they're about to come or because they hate having their balls in someone's mouth?

I want to give the maximum pleasure I can to the people I sleep with so I need some guidance, especially in the beginning of our sexual relationship. I get that sometimes people don't exactly know what they like and not everyone's body is as particular as mine and needs a ‘don't' list as much as a ‘do' list. And sometimes people are shy and and don't feel confident asking for specific things. They can still answer yes/no/not sure to questions like, ‘Do you like biting?' Telling me, ‘Just do what you want and I'll tell you if I don't like it,' isn't appealing to me. I want Fuck Yes not I guess when I'm exploring someone's body to give them pleasure. Good sex is collaborative.

“Do we need this?” my muggle date asked me a few weeks ago as I handed him the bottle of lube I'd brought to his place along with non-latex condoms in several sizes and my Liberator Throe, “Can't I just get you wet with my tongue?”

“Yes, you can. And then you can add some lube,” I replied, no shyness or apology in my voice. It was the first time someone had questioned the use of lube and I was really surprised. When someone is telling you how their body works, why would you question it? He had a slight edge of cockiness and it could be that he figured needing lube was a slight on his ability to get me wet. I think he was also used to sleeping with younger women who are often less likely to advocate for (or carry) lube. Requiring lube is not a failure on anyone's part. It doesn't mean I'm not turned on enough. It doesn't mean I'm defective in some way. It just means that if you want to stick things inside my body, some slippery assistance is needed for me to enjoy it.

I get really revved during sexytimes when someone lists their favourite things or brings out a special toy to use. All the talking might not be everyone's bag but for me, I feel the excitement of getting cheat codes that will help me take my partner to the upper pleasure levels. Sometimes that knowledge happens by accident, like when I mentioned to Elle how much I liked the line of her iliac crest, and her breath caught, and we both discovered how turned on she got from me using anatomical names for each part as I licked, kissed, and fondled my way around her beautiful body. It was such a hot and special moment that she and I could have together and one that is likely fairly unique to the two of us.

That my date last week showed up with multiple of his favourite toys as potential components of our playtime was really exciting to me. He also had no expectations for the evening. I had figured it would play out with the typical (and highly enjoyable) first sexydate itinerary of making out, progressing to the exchange of manual stimulation and oral sex, and ending the evening with PIV (Penis in Vagina) sex. I love all those things and am really happy to have a date follow that pattern. I was also really happy when we chucked that itinerary out the window and explored a lot of fun roads off the beaten track–including each of us getting to enjoy being filled with his monster cock–to get to the sweaty and floppy-with-orgasm destination.

I definitely won't rule out sex with muggles. I've had a lot of great sex with people over the past couple years that has taught me a lot about how my body works and how to give others pleasure. I will be much more likely, however, to plan second, third, fourth and beyond dates with people who bring with them an enthusiasm to explore, knowledge of their bodies, and an openness to my needs. If they happen to bring gorgeous toys that they're willing to share, that's the icing on an incredibly delicious cake.


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on,, Inkterra, and Kobo.

Leave A Reply