There is something I wanted to address about setting up our profile that just wouldn’t have sounded right being filtered through Anne, my wife. What I wanted to talk about is my decision to put down bi-curious as my orientation. There is, apparently, a double standard against bi males in the lifestyle. This fact was mainly brought to my attention by articles and podcasts here on the Swingset. This actually surprised me a bit. I figured if any community would be more open to the idea, it would certainly be the swinger community.
Now, I self identify as straight, but I think Kinsey had the right of it with his scale of varying degrees of bisexuality. On that scale I would put myself as mostly straight. Anne has mentioned before how important honesty is to me. I would include honesty towards and about myself in that importance. I have been attracted to men, and sometimes the thought of being with a man turns me on. I can, however, count on one hand the number of men I have seen or met in my life that made me think, “I would jump into bed with him right now!” I have looked at gay porn for personal pleasure, but honestly that happens maybe three times a year at best. I will even admit that I have an interest in being the bottom.
All of this is something I have only ever admitted to Anne and two other people (oddly none of my gay friends are in that two). Anne and I are very open about our sex life and sexuality, especially to our friends, but still that is something I never told any of them. If I couldn’t admit that to my best friends–people I have known my whole life and trust completely–I can totally see how people in the lifestyle could also not admit it. Realistically I think the bias is probably carried over from the vanilla world where bi females and lesbians are much more accepted in popular culture. Since we are still involved in that culture I can see how men wouldn’t want to put down bi-curious even if they are interested in it. For fucks sake, Anne even admits to having a slight bias against it in our profile creation post. So the long story short is I get it. I see why there is a bias, but I don’t agree with it and certainly do not intend to propagate it.
Being who I am and having a weird a thing for being an underdog and in the minority, I put bi-curious down when on our profile. That is just how I roll. I figure if people won’t talk to us because I put bi-curious, then we probably don’t want to meet them anyways. The double standard won’t change unless people try to change it. When I get involved in something, I like to do what I can to help out and change it for the better (like writing a blog to help out other newbies). So, I put down bi-curious and am not looking back. It may not be the best way to start in the lifestyle, but it is something that holds some interest for me and, hopefully, in some small way, I am helping to change this community for the better.
11 Comments
This is brave Jack, and exactly what our community needs! Guys should have every right/ability to play with one another in the swing lifestyle as girls, and I think far more people are interested than have stepped up, raised their hands and said "Bi…" I salute you!
Thanks for the support Cooper!
I'd like to add that I agree with you, Jack, 100%. The double standard isn't just in the lifestyle, it's everywhere—television, magazines, movies. It needs to change (why close doors or attach stigma to pleasure?). It won't change, though, unless more guys like you take a stand and buck the trend. Ironic, considering the bias originates in our male-dominated society. For people who pride themselves on openness, honesty, trust, and acceptance, it's sad for me to see that many (most?) can't even be honest with themselves about what they might be able to enjoy.
Even though my girlfriend and I are not in the lifestyle (and may never be), we support your decision completely; it's what we would do if we were in your position. In some ways I wish we were in the lifestyle—if only to support the change in attitude that we believe in, and lend our voices to those who are fighting against bias.
Hehehe, everybody gets hot over Cpt. Jack Harkness!
Don't worry… I will still dominate you anytime you want. 😉
Thanks for posting. This was one of the first things I noticed about the lifestyle. I think there are many more men that are bi or bi-curious than are willing to admit it. Perhaps that is starting to change and more men will admit this about themselves in the future.
Not only about themselves, but TO themselves. I do think that a lot of it will change also when the women who DO want to see this are willing to stand up and admit it. I personally know a lot of women who are dying to watch 2 guys play, but never say anything!
We are just starting on our playing with others adventure, like you Jack and Anne, and I can certainly relate to Jack's post.
I have passing interests such as Jack describes; I think of it as more that sometimes I feel "omnivorous" – would fuck anything that turns me on. And sometimes all kinds of things turn me on. Usually female, but sometimes hot flesh.
One interesting comment I read in another blog was: "If you can imagine yourself falling in love with someone of the same gender, you're gay; if you can't really imagine that, but you can imagine having hot sex with someone of the same gender, you're bi or curious." And that's only relevant because of the bias in the world at large against gay men, otherwise who would care?
I also really appreciate Anne's openness about her low level anxiety on this issue. It impels me to be sure to communicate more extensively with my wife about this whole subject. We occasionally use male on male fantasy scenarios as part of our sex play and it has clearly turned her on big time. Translation to reality and proximity bears more detailed discussions.
Nonetheless all the discussion about bias and double-standard hits home to me. We haven't written our profile(s) yet or ticked off any boxes describing our preferences. I must say that I have wondered whether it would severely limit the universe of connections if I were to select "bi-curious". I hope Jack and Anne will continue to post on this and tell us all what they think the results of Jack's choice are, in their adventures.
I will closely follow and see if my wife wants to chime in on her perspective.
That is pretty much where I am. I don't think I could fall in love with a man, but I could certainly enjoy the company of one in bed. When I fantasize about it, it is more about the what than the who (barring Capt. Harkness of course). I am more turned on by the thought of the act more than the thought of the man.
It sounds like you really took something away from the post and that is really the best praise I could receive. So, thank you for reading.
The discussion between me and my wife started about a year ago when I asked her off-handedly if she would like to watch Adam Lambert suck my cock. So maybe occasionally the who…
There have been who's (few and far between), but Adam Lambert was certainly not anywhere near that list. When Anne and I first talked about it, it was the other way around. I asked what she thought of me sucking cock.