Rules, Boundaries, Making This Up As We Go


At heart, I’d like to be a relationship anarchist but I’ve gone along with my partners (yes plural) who wanted rules and because it wasn’t worth fighting over. And frankly, I barely have time for what I’ve got on my plate right now. My to-do list is two pages and that is just for this week so I’m procrastinating by blogging.

Failing at RA, for the past four years I’ve pretty much had a non-hierarchal quad of 3 primaries. Well, good things often end. It was spotty if we’d see the Foxes again but it appears we are going to keep on but now as what is clearly hierarchal poly. There are cons to the change since I don’t like hierarchy. But there are pros to it as well such as having less obligations as well as freeing up some of the guilt over an impending relocation out west.

As part of our processing on this, I came up with a list of where I put things as to what is poly and what is for my swinger relationships. Originally we thought this would result in a bunch of new rules, but we are making this up as we go since it seems impossible to go from primary back to swinger level.  

Poly Swinger
Willing to discuss feelings of jealousy of feeling threated. No jealousy or feeling threatened. Or if you do, keep that drama to yourself if about swingers or take it home if it is about your spouse.
Lots of saying I love you. No saying “I love you”. Duh.
Talk about everything. No talking about or judging habits* on








Being negative about yourself

Excessive work talk

*Feel free to gossip about with others

Even at a distance update on life and weekly plans Generally, out of sight out of mind. Maybe text/sext if bored.
Typical presents: birthday, Valentine’s day, anniversary, Christmas No presents. Maybe a bottle of booze at birthday swing party.
Negotiate how holidays are spent and try to be together or know when to celebrate. Celebrate swinger holidays of Mardi Gras and Halloween at clubs.  
Ok to just hang out or even do necessary life tasks like groceries or yardwork. Fun activities hopefully ending in sex.
Understand if things come up like getting sick or work. No canceling. That’s just rude.
Profiles may be individual or even more complicated if on swinger sites and poly. Profiles are for couples only.
Anyone may get influence and input if other people seem shady. Only your spouse gets veto power.
Meet at clubs to go together to find other new people to swing with. Meet at clubs to have sex with each other.
Share expenses and even Netflix and phone family plan. Pay for meals if you are a super-hot unicorn or I’m hosting at my house. Otherwise separate checks.
Affectionate anytime and place. No handholding.  
Ok to call girl/boyfriend, lover, pet names. Ok to call FWB if I see you repeatedly. Otherwise, you are lucky if I know your name.
See as often as possible. No expectations. See when there is time. Maybe once or twice a month.
Have keys to your place. Maybe even your passwords. Have condoms with you.
Sleep together, shower together, all kinds of crazy adventures together.   Have sex together. Probably have conversations together.  




Ms. Scarlet is a newbie non-monogamist. She lives in a really Red part of fly over country, hence the name Ms. Scarlet. She likes contact sports, massages, rum, fast cars, ice cream, and good oral sex - not necessarily in that order. You can find her discussing the latest sex news and other things on Twitter as @MsScarletBlogs

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