Getting What You Want


Satisfaction of desires is what this lifestyle is all about, no? If you've read any of our other posts, you know the Saids are newbies. We've spent a good bit of time sitting back, pondering all the dishes available on the swinger smorgasboard, cogitating in the abstract, fantasizing in the hypothetical…. We've even done a little actual swinging. Enough to know we are full swap but haven't had the right situation to try that out. When we first started talking, soft-swap/finish-with-your-partner-only seemed to be comfortable. I can't quite remember what my rationale was, but I came into this wanting more than anything NOT to destroy my primary relationship.

So far, actual experience has taught me more about what I want and don't want in a swinger relationship than all that thinking did. The first time I saw Mrs. Said with another man's penis in her mouth was shocking. But not shocking-bad, shocking-good. It was SUCH a turn-on! None of the jealousy I expected to feel (and, truthfully, still expect to feel once she gets to be with a lover who is bigger and/or better than me).

At first, I thought relatively anonymous, one-time play sessions would be great. No worries about emotional entanglements! Hot sex with people who might be a good bit different from Mrs. Said and me! We are now a couple months into our experimentation. As it turns out, we both find ourselves gravitating towards folks strikingly similar to us from a vanilla-life-biography standpoint.

I find myself attracted to women who demonstrate through their profiles and emails that they are smart, witty, roughly 40, in shape (but not eating raw tuna from a can 3x per day), natural breasts/bodies/lips/forehead wrinkles, with kids and the busy lives that go along with being parents… In other words, I am finding other Mrs. Saids out there. I don't know if that is unusual but this process, which is clearly a work-in-process given our short tenure in the lifestyle, but it has actually clarified just what has attracted me to my wife for the past 20 years. What an unexpected bonus!

Looking at the three couples we are actively courting (one played with once and will again, one we had dinner with, and one we have plans to meet soon), some things became apparent – aside from the fact that we are lucky to live in a large town with plenty of twisted, twisted people hiding behind vanilla appearances. Basically, we are attracted to couples like us: full plates of work, family, vanilla friends, kid activities, non-lifestyle hobbies. What this has meant is it takes a couple or a few weeks to meet anyone new in person. We like to meet once before we play (but that ‘rule' is one of our most flexible) so the time between first contact and getting down to actual swapping is probably going to average a month or two! We might have one decent play opportunity each month when we can send the kids to grandma's house. Only 12 more years and our younger kid will be away at college, so we're taking reservations for a hot time in September 2022.

What I thought I wanted? Anonymous sex to satisfy carnal desires. What I think I want now? Randy sex with like-minded folks — after a nice dinner full of interesting conversation and a lot of laughs.


He Said and She Said (not their given names) are 40-somethings married for 20-something years living in a large Southern US city. Spurred into action by their landscaper's tales of consensual non-monogamy, they have enjoyed swinging - and blogging about it - since 2010.


  1. This is a great recap of our life on the swingset right now with a couple of things on and off but we can relate to your thoughts and conclusions. Please reserve a table for 4 for the 2012. We’ll be there 😉

  2. Horny Devils on

    We wouldn’t mind getting to know He Said She Said. Sounds like we might be what they are looking for. : )

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