My Dear Sir – An Open Letter Regarding My Condom Check


My Dear Sir - An Open Letter Regarding My Condom CheckMy Dear Sir,

Since you’ve brought up this evening’s earlier incident three times in as many hours I feel it is incumbent upon me to address the situation. To me it was SOP , a typical routine practice. But you persist in mentioning it in a hurt voice with mournful puppy dog eyes. I ignored it at first as simply a playful bid for attention but now I realize that something more is going on.

I say this to you with all sincerity and truthfulness: Sir, I meant no offense when I reached down to ensure there was a condom on your penis before it entered my vagina.

First of all, the force of habit was in play. The condom check is second nature. Nobody rides the unicorn bareback. Seriously, even my dildos practice safe sex. And there are times when fellows get overeager and overexcited in the heat of the moment and try to go deep sea diving without a wet suit. It falls to cooler heads, the ones with blood still in them, to make sure the bases are covered before the game begins. Did you know the incidence of AIDS in our nation’s capital is now greater than that of developing African nations? Shouldn’t you be thanking me for protecting not only you but the community at large?
What’s that you say? I should know you better than that by now?

I understand that naked people can bond quickly. But I have to remind you that I only ever fucked you once before. That, even with the accelerated level of intimacy the lifestyle engenders, hardly qualifies as “knowing” you in any sense except the biblical.

Do you feel better now?


Now sir, don’t you think you’re being just slightly over sensitive? You’re just going to have to forgive me for not being able to psychically determine your use of a rubber. After all, I didn’t even know it was you on the other end of that penis (and to be completely truthful at the time I only guessed it was a penis). Surely you realize that my scope of visual perception was severely limited at the time by the lady sitting on my face.



Originally a Pennsylvania girl, I have been a writer for 16 years and a unicorn for five. I come armed with condoms, a Masters in Screenwriting from USC and an overdeveloped sense of the ridiculous.


  1. Priceless! Let's reframe and make the safer sex insurances and checks in play the SUPER SEXY moments that they are. Staying healthy, respecting our bodies and taking control of our own sexual agency is as hot as it gets.

    • Too true. Personally, I find it incredibly sexy to have a girl put a condom on me (it's even hotter if she uses her mouth to help). I've been fluid bonded with my primary partner for more than a decade, so whenever a condom comes out it somehow makes the sex act "naughtier" and therefore sexier. As for sex with people outside of our relationship, I consider it part of the foreplay because it demonstrates the level of our mutual desire and it makes a demonstration that we care about both of our bodies—and that's pretty hot.

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