To Bi or Not To Bi – Male Bisexuality and Exploration


Bisexual Males Holding HandsIt is pretty much standard, save the occasional dissenter, that girl on girl “bi” action is HOT! But that is truly old news. In most circles we’ve talked to, given the appropriate level of anonymity, well over half of women admitted that they find a certain moistening intrigue to the idea of guy on guy action. Most men will barely admit to themselves that there is a fantasy in there about that. But, they might be a little more motivated to explore it if they knew how much their mates and friends were turned on by it!

A few years back, there was a show after 11 at night on the WE network – way past the time of heavy viewership. One of the episodes was about a girl who spied on her hot neighbor who was gay and, of course, gorgeous. It showed by far the MOST erotic cinematic scene that I have ever witnessed . It was guy on guy! For years I fantasized about that and the subsequent scene where she basically “fucked” him with their clothes on (which was the second hottest scene.)

Recently, while talking with a friend who is the perfect, non lifestyle, unassuming FFA mom, we found ourselves in a discussion about this television series and specifically THAT episode. While reliving the plot, I am sure that both of us women had creamed ourselves by the time we finished with the subject. Our curiosity as a couple about all things sexual made more conversations with friends in and out of the lifestyle inevitable!

Those conversations have given us a theory. Though most have considered it at some point, many guys think the idea of sex with another man is something that is to be kept hidden in the dark recesses of their minds and revealed to no one. Ironically, those people a guy would want to keep it hidden from are the very same ones that we all hide our “lifestyle” from: family, friends, enemies, and professional associates. There are truly some guys, just as there are some women, whose persona will absolutely not even begin to let them consider the possibilities of pleasure from an encounter with the same sex. The differences between human beings are what provide our uniqueness as a species.

But for many men, the fear of even revealing a curiosity about getting freaky with someone having the same equipment keeps those fantasies contained to an occasional solo shower session. They let it play out in their mind while pleasuring themselves in a private world of desire. Cleanup can be immediate, and the culpability associated can be quickly tucked away. There are a few who venture out into the world to try it behind their mate’s back, even if they normally swing with their mate. They seem to hide their urges due to the overwhelming fear of their mate’s reaction and their own embarrassment linked to possible unintended public revelations. No matter the strength of a man’s ego, the potentially emasculating deterrents of religion, machismo, and society are extremely strong and play havoc on a man’s sense of reasoning in the debate of “to bi, or not to bi”.

The comfort level needed to accomplish the fantasy fulfillment can be a moving target with the pendulum of emotions considered by most men on this subject. Some days they think they are ready to make the leap, and other days they are looking for any form of plausible excuse to deny or delay. For those we’ve talked to who’ve tried it , the impetus for action often seems to be a female who was more than willing to encourage, compliment, coach, reassure, and of course engage in role play, direction, and/or practice! As with many things sex related, the story has played out time and again where the love of a woman and the sex life they have together becomes motivation to step out on a limb and get freaky with another man!

Some men needed the boost of being “dominated” in a group scene to let go and explore, and others dived right in – having the confidence of prediscussion and knowing their partner’s pussy was gushing the whole time the guys were feverishly sucking, fucking, and even sometimes sharing a load from one of their quivering cocks between their tongues. The sight of her man being pounded into ecstasy by a nicely shaped dick and the erotic slapping sound of large, low hanging balls, has sent many a woman over the orgasm edge. Often, the anticipation alone can get a girl really going.

We heard remarks like, “I absolutely gushed watching them” and, “That set the tone. It made me so hot I was a total slut all night.”, and “I had fantasized for years about watching him do it, seeing it was even better.” From the guys we heard things like,”Yeah, I tried it. Once I got past the fear it felt good. I’m sure I’ll probably do it again” and, “She took me places I was afraid to imagine by having me follow her orders of doing different things to his body. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt her pussy THAT wet!”, and “I had no idea another man’s hard, throbbing cock could get me off like that!” Most exploring men we talked to profess that bi sex wouldn’t supplant the female body as their main desire, but added a somewhat unexpected extra level to their sex life – especially with their partner. Some would kiss another guy, and some wouldn’t. Some would top, some would bottom, and some were up for absolutely anything! Most said that if anal sex were to take place, they prefer the receiver be already “washed out”. In our sampling, many said they would prefer a guy close to being in the same boat as them, experience-wise. Of course there were the few who said they had no experience and no plans of gaining it, but it was a surprisingly small minority that seemed to be absolutely opposed to anyone experiencing it.

Maybe its true swingers’ open mindedness about sex allows many of them to be more accepting of others’ socially taboo desires. Guy on guy bi action, while still being somewhat taboo, IS becoming a more accepted hot topic among the play crowd. There are plenty that either do it or at least fantasize about it, but few who readily admit it to just anyone. While discretion is obviously important to the majority of swingers, we feel the whole point of the “lifestyle” is fantasy pursuit. Most people we talked to agreed. Obviously, individual and joint comfort levels are important. But how do you truly know what that comfort level is without some communication and maybe a little exploring? In most relationships, as time moves on, comfort level increases, boundaries soften, and fantasies evolve.

We believe that couples should explore every corner of their sexuality to make that evolution a team sport. Reveal your inner most fantasies to one another. If your partner is good with it, that should be the only opinion that matters to you. Maybe you both spend a lifetime knowing the freedom and security of complete sexual honesty with one another, whether you physically explore or not. Maybe you both decide it’s not your thing. If it’s not part of one or both of your fantasies, then why do it? There are a million different other kinky avenues to explore in this lifestyle. But if it is, our interactions with others say that there are many more males AND females than one might think who roll it around in their minds desirously. You’re not alone! So go ahead, touch yourself a little while thinking about it. Chances are you’re being joined by thousands of men, and women, at the same time! But that subject is a whole other story.



  1. Great article…..I basically gave up swinging as a lifestyle BECAUSE I am bi and open about it. I never got invited anywhere. I really wish more guys would be honest about this….and not need to be "pushed".

  2. Although the idea has crossed my mind more than once, I simply don't become aroused by other men irrespective of their attributes. However, on quite a few occasions I have seen some absolutely drop dead gorgeous shemales which, for all intents and purposes, appear to be female in every way with stunningly beautiful faces and physical attributes that would make any woman jealous. My contradiction is, even if it is a contradiction, I find the latter of the two exceptionally intriguing and in all likelihood would not hesitate to play with an attractive shemale. In many cases the thought of it is very very arousing.

    • Not trying to be pedantic, but as a gay man who’s spent a lot of time around professional gender illusionist entertainers who’ve chosen to live publicly as woemn, “she-male” is a wee bit offensive, because, as I noted, these are people who have chosen to live as women; the less onerous term is “transwoman,” at least if she’s pre-operative. “She-male” is also a branding term for ponography involving pre-operative transwomen, and certainly doesn’t apply to those not engaged in such employ.

      I’m not a trans activist or anything, but I do have sentitivity to their issues (which, I admit, get taken to defensive extremes, like any other issues of identity).

  3. Been there done that on

    The wife is very vocal about her fantasies and seeing another man and I suck each other off was one of them. She encouraged the act with letting me see how aroused she got thinking about it so I thought about letting her see her fantasy come true. That was six years ago and after some initial fumbling I got the hang of sucking a mans dick. To my surprise it was fun, a lot of fun and I didn't feel like I was any less of a man (I love pussy). I know know why bisexual women love sucking cock and why some of my ex girlfriends lived for it.

    The sex between my wife and another couple or single man became even more erotic (lot more things you can do when you let go of your insecurities). Sex with others went from maybe two hours to four and more with much higher levels of excitement and the girls came more often with viewing and interaction with us including helping suck, hand play, and additional touching during coitus. I mean wouldn't you like it if you were fully penetrating the other gents wife while your wife and the other husband were stimulating both of your genitals with hands and tongues? Try it, it's over the top.

  4. Been there done that on


    The one problem we have discovered now is that it's rare to find other couples where the male is comfortable listing he's at least curious. The Bi label seems to be the kiss of death for males in the lifestyle, married or not. The wife has to approach the other wife, in private, and inquire if there is any interest or willingness to expand the parameters of playtime. Speaking with other women who are both involved and single (dating) the interest level in seeing guy on guy action has always been at the top of their wish list but they are usually afraid to ask there male counterpart if he will at least try it so they can live out her fantasy.

    Currently we know one couple where the male has become very comfortable with male male interaction (and he's all man) and we have much better sex with them than we have ever had with just straight swapping. Fours hours of all of us writhing around on the bed goes very quickly and the orgasm we all have are much more intense. Not to mention when one or two drop out for a moment of recovery the fun can continue unabated. It's a shame we can't find a larger group with a more open attitude, imagine the possibilities.

  5. First of all, the photo that's been used for this story doesn’t fit the subject matter. Two men holding hands would be perfect for a piece on a gay sexual topic but not for bisexual men, particularly swingers. Bi men in the lifestyle don’t want to hold hands, they want to please and get pleased sexually by members of either sex. It has nothing to do with holding hands and everything to do with holding dicks (not that you would show a picture of that, I suppose). They simply want the freedom to do whatever feels good with whomever can provide that feeling, whether male or female.

    You see, there are two double standards the swinging lifestyle should, in theory, take care of but usually don’t, at least not both of them. The first double standard has to do with one strictly from the vanilla world–a standard that’s been going on seemingly as long as swinging has been around—which is that females can’t be as sexually randy as males. If a guy sleeps around he’s a stud, if a woman does the same she’s a slut which, in the vanilla world is a no-no.

    The lifestyle has done a very good job of changing the negative connotation of “slut” into a positive one, saying that it’s good to be a slut (see the book “Ethical Slut” for more on this) and that women can be just as promiscuous, if not more so, as a guy is allowed to be in the vanilla world.

    Boom! One double standard shown the door. And it’s a good thing because without that buy-in from the ladies, there wouldn’t be much of a lifestyle now would there?

    But the second double standard has always had a much tougher time of it and that is that while females are allowed to be and, unfortunately, pretty much expected to be bisexual, males are generally not allowed to be and certainly not expected to be the same way. We ask: why should females be allowed to experience sexual pleasure from either sex and not guys?

    Ohhh, because society says so, you say? *They* say it’s wrong so that carries over into the lifestyle thinking—I see. But if we can simply snap our fingers and tell women it’s suddenly NOT wrong to sleep with dozens or perhaps hundreds of men they aren’t married to then we could definitely do the same for the second double standard. We’re certainly not advocating that every male should do the bi thing just as we would never force a female to be bisexual (although the lifestyle tends to do this, doesn’t it?). We’re just saying that people should be allowed to get pleasure from either sex should they feel so inclined and they shouldn’t have it held against them for doing or not doing so and should certainly not be ostracized for same.

    We, personally, snapped our fingers long ago and said to hell with it. We don’t care what the others think and we came out as a bi couple years ago on several of the major swing websites. We fought a ton of bloody forum and e-mail battles with the haters and the phobes over our right to even exist in the lifestyle. When we came out we lost a lot of so-called “friends” but you know what? We gained just as many (more, actually) back—both bi & straight—and they were of the much cooler (read: tolerant) variety so it worked out well overall.

    We started a Bisexual Couples community on a swing web site and got a tremendous amount of members in a short time (nearly 1000!) so we started groups on other sites, too. We’ve also held bisexual events where we have taken over a small resort and played to our hearts content (even out by the pool!). Now we’re concentrating on the bisexual community on (called “BiTheWay” in case you are interested) where bi couples and singles (and non-phobe straights) can hook up without fear of bumping into what we call the “vanilla swinger”. We’ll soon be announcing another BiTheWay event so stay tuned for that.

    There are a couple of things you should know about the world of bisexual swingers: 1st of all, chicks dig it. Not all ladies, of course, but there are so many women who like to see M—>M action as part of a swing session that it’s crazy. Women love to see their spouses getting pleasure so if delving into the bisexual world increases the fun factor then they are all for it.

    2ndly, there are many, many more guys in the lifestyle who are bisexual or bi-comfortable under the right conditions than you would ever suspect. Out of the nearly 1000 members of the above-mentioned bisexual community, probably 75% of the males stated they were straight in their profile simply due to fear of being ostracized by the non-tolerant types. But when these same men are in a safe—and bi–environment they are like kids in candy store, finally getting to do something they are never allowed to do in the vanilla swinger world.

    We heartily recommend you give the bisexual couples lifestyle a chance if there’s even the slightest inclination there at all. Just don’t try and hold my hand afterwards…

  6. I think we have been very fortunate. I am openly bi, and make no effort in hiding that when looking for partners. We’ve come across a few that were very comfortable in sharing wives but not husbands and that’s led to some heartbreak and disappointment. But the times we’ve had with others who share our openness, it can only be described and amazing!!

  7. Count me among the many woman who think guy on guy action is super hot and count be blessed to have an amazingly sexy husband and boyfriend who are both bi. A threesome with another guy was our biggest fantasy for the longest time with my husband and it took a long time to find a guy who we both liked and who wasn’t immediately scared that there would be any male/male contact. I am so glad we stuck with it and I do think it won’t be long before a MFM three way is considered a given female fantasy just as much as a FMF is a given for the guys.

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