Sex, Orgasms, and Polyamory


female orgasmFirst of all, anyone who tells you that sex is not an important part of a relationship is either a virgin or has never had good sex. If you are unhappy with what you're getting at home, chances are you're going to look for it elsewhere (or your body will, without your permission). That is not to say that we the non-monogamous are this way because we are unhappy at home. Not me, at least–sex at home is great! I'm poly purely because I don't believe in monogamy. But sex, and orgasms, help a couple stay happy. There's something about an exchange of energy, or hormones, or something I'm sure I'll have time to research later (note to self: take more notes), where it actually makes you feel closer to your mate, and happier to be partnered with them, and less likely to fight, etc.

My own sex life is not as regular as I'd like, mostly because of work. I work in the morning and my husband works in the evening. I'm usually asleep by the time he comes home, and he is way beyond consciousness when I'm getting up for work. On the occasions when we do meet, the sex is hot, passionate and deep, and I'm usually sore the next day. Due to some medical reasons on his side, we don't go too far outside the box, but we're young and we're learning. With him, I am always satisfied.

“Satisfied” does not necessarily mean “orgasm” in my case. I'm lucky enough to have an orgasm every time I have sex with my husband (or close enough to every time that it doesn't matter). A lot of women don't reach their climax during intercourse, and I am so glad I'm not one of those women. On the flip side, it is so very difficult for me to have an orgasm any other way. So much so that my husband doesn't even try oral or manual techniques anymore. Only I give myself clitoral orgasms, and there basically I'm a one trick pony. I just recently acquired my first vibrator, and it's… interesting, but I think I need more time to play with it. And batteries.

So, enter my girlfriend, Kitten. Previous to Ark, I'd been sexually active for years, so I knew what was going on. But I'd never been with another woman before. The experience was, at first, terrifying–I only know what I like, so what if she likes something different? What if I hurt her? What if I'm terrible?

Then I learned something wonderful: not all women are as hard to get off as I am. Thank the god of your choice! Hell yeah! All the things that do nothing for me, Kitten was hyper-sensitive to, reacting in wonderful physical and sometimes even audible ways. She is painfully shy, but she's slowly opening up, learning to ask for the things she wants and I am always quick and ready to please. Finding new ways to make her come is an exciting adventure, one with rewards that leave visible reminders of my success.

I am truly a person who takes pleasure in pleasing her partner (alliteration, anyone?). Not so much that I am the little s to a big D, but I definitely enjoy giving orgasms more than I enjoy getting them. This is probably because of the difficulties I have in achieving them, while it is so easy for me to give them and boy oh boy do I (and my body) love giving them.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend has not yet been able to give me an orgasm. She is timid and this makes her hesitant to make any moves, and when she does, she easily gets frustrated and then stops. I've told her not to worry about it, because even if I don't climax, I still love making love, and I really enjoy when she touches me intimately or sexually. She suffers from the same stigma that many men suffer from–where they believe they're failing if they don't get their girl off. No matter how I tell her I'm fine with it, she still feels like she's failed in some way, and sometimes her palpable blues start to make me wonder if there's maybe something wrong with me.

Of course, I know there isn't, because every woman is different. Some women come like a train, some can think themselves to orgasm, some women gush every time and some women don't get wet at all. Some women just don't come easy, and I am one of those women. If she can just stay patient with me, I bet we'll figure it out. Until then, I'll just enjoy the practice, wear my well-earned scratches and bite marks proudly, and thank the powers that be that I'm not one of those women who are addicted to vibrators.


mad culinary scientist. curious voyeur. aimless wanderer. geek, nerd, procrastinator. panromantic polyamorous pagan. bdsm switch. refuses to adhere to any of your silly preconceptions.


  1. Hey Blue, Nope there is nothing wrong with you at all and I loved this blog post but I can totally understand Kitten's dismay. If you think about how much you love to give orgasms to your lovers I am sure this is the same for her also, and not just about the ego of needing to get you off to feel like a good lover. As a suggestion have you thought of getting your girl to fuck you with your vibrator? Also there is a female to female specifically design harness free mutual dildo called the feeldoe which you can insert a silver bullet vibrator into a slot in the base. It is unbeatable for mutual pleasure with mutual penetrative sex with your lady.

    Oh and in response to your first paragraph…it's oxytocin that orgasms release and it is a bonding hormone/ neuropeptide that is also released during birth and breast feeding. Women 'generally' produce more of it than men after orgasm

    • I totally want a Feeldoe. I read the reviews here and told Kitten about it and I’m all hyped about it. But it’s a little out of my price range just now. Someday, I will have one! We have talked about and considered strap-ons as well. We did play with my vibrator, but not for very long (I can’t keep my hands off her, and she is easily distracted by that). We aren’t giving up though. 😉

  2. I’m glad that you see that there is so much more to sex than just the orgasm (though those rock) but the innate pleasure of pleasing your partner. So many feel that an encounter has been a bust, or their experience was less than ideal, because their partner achieved orgasm and they did not. Nice article. Check out our blog, just had our first threesome, decided that we too are in a poly relationship with our unicorn.

  3. I hear you when you talk about not having orgasms easily. I don’t cum easily but it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I just love the feeling of my partner (male or female) cumming while we are playing or making love (depending on the partner). I get such a buzz out of feeling their excitement.

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