Kindness of Strangers – Returning to the Swinging Lifestyle After a Hiatus


It had been a really shitty couple of months. A long term relationship with a play pal ended abruptly, and even on NSA terms endings are never easy, and usually they just downright suck. To add insult to injury he got most of our local lifestyle friends in the split. I still had a lot of wonderful, caring people in my life—just not in my bed. After five years of getting it every few days, I suddenly was measuring the time in between sex in months. I became isolated and withdrawn. I felt dull and boring and… well, just blah.

After some not-so-gentle prodding from friends, I reluctantly started profiles on several lifestyle sites. No one interested me, though. And my flirting skills, even the written ones, deserted me. There was only one couple I felt like I had a rapport with, though that may have been because they were safely a thousand miles away. Or so I thought…

Last week I got a message from the couple that they were coming into town and staying with some lifestyle friends only a few miles from my place. They were going to have a party and invited me to join them. My first thought was “Fuck, I don’t want to go!” I didn’t want be the only new person at the party. I didn’t know anyone and didn’t have anyone to talk to, not even a date. I was going to sit in a corner all by myself, pretending to be fascinated with my drink or that my earing required constant attention. I’m shy. I’m introverted. They’re not going to like me. I’m not going to like them. They’re going to be snobby. They’re going to think I’m snobby. All the other women are going to have perfect bodies and I’m going to feel ugly. All the men are going to be perfect and I’ll feel worse. Effortlessly my mind came up with every worst case scenario.

Staying home was easier. It was comfortable. It was safe. It was… boring… and lonely… and making me into someone I didn’t want to be. Someone I didn’t used to be. So I shaved my legs and shaved my pussy and emailed the address of the party to a couple of friends (just in case I disappeared so the cops would have a starting place to look for me).

After several wrong turns (I have the uncanny ability to get lost even in my own backyard) I found the house, knocked on the door and held my breath. When the door opened, I was greeted by name and with a big smile. I was swept inside, given a place at the table with the other couples, offered a drink, water, food, a place to spend the night, a cab if I couldn’t drive home. But most of all I was offered a gracious and warm acceptance from a roomful of strangers. And not because they want to fuck me or to take my clothes off, but just because I was there.

As the night went on, I grew more talkative. I laughed at jokes and told funny stories. My intellect was appreciated as much as my body. I discovered commonalities I never suspected I’d have with people I thought were totally unlike me. I admired the close and loving bonds between the couples.

At the end of the night, after much wonderful conversation, laughter, flirting and sex, I returned home with a big smile on my face and woke up with it still in place the next day. I hadn’t realized how abandoned the loss of my play pal and other friends made me feel. It made me underestimate not only myself but people in general. I didn’t trust anybody and without trust, I became someone I didn’t like, self-conscious, scared and cynical. But it only took one night and the kindness of strangers to set me back to regaining the person I want to be.


Originally a Pennsylvania girl, I have been a writer for 16 years and a unicorn for five. I come armed with condoms, a Masters in Screenwriting from USC and an overdeveloped sense of the ridiculous.


  1. As a fairly new Unicorn I have made an observation on being "me" in the lifestyle. I have definitely become more confident and assured while navigating the LS. I jumped into this by myself, through my own motivation to experience more that life has to offer. I remember my first LS party, it was at an established club in the area and I truly felt like a kid in a candy store! The hot sexy people were a visual treat to behold! I am fortunate to live in one of the nation's top rated "fit" cities in the US. I walked into that event by myself, and needless to say, found lots of opportunities to make new friends, and to knock off the list a couple of my fantasies as a new single female in the LS.

    It has now been about 6 months since that first encounter and I have found my niche in life! I ( a former self confessed shut in on weekends by choice and somewhat introverted single lady) have no problem attending LS events by myself. There is always that initial nervousness and slight uncomfortable moment when first showing up, but a few dances later, the feeling has passed. One of the observations that I have found to play out every time I go to an event by myself, is the "unapproachable" singleton phenomena. I would just like to put a perspective out there to help couples understand the "unicorn" or at least myself. I walk into these places by myself, without the presence of a partner to talk to; no one to compare and whisper about that hot couple across the room. I typically sit by myself initially, trying to disguise my butterfly ridden belly. I try to appear as nonchalant as possible while scanning the scene. I guess the whole point of this is, I just wanted to give couples a perspective on how difficult it is sometimes to be the "unicorn" in the LS. That it is OK to come up and strike a conversation with a formerly self-confessed "shy" person. Who knows, maybe we'll end up with that elusive chemistry that we all seek.

    • Cyclechic, Thanks so much for putting that out there. I so often wish I could be my "swinger" self all the time, since I truely believe it's also my "best" self.

  2. I’m glad you got your groove back in the lifestyle. Reading your last paragraph I found myself nodding in agreement because it resonates so much with me. The words ” self-conscious, scared and cynical” really stood out especially with my experience at the club scene.

    Now apply that same situation to an average-looking introverted male. Would a guy in your situation be invited to that party? It’s been my experience that the world of swinging would rather not deal with introverted men. And I’ve not been one to sit in the corner. I talk to people, and attempt to make a connection. It’s been my experience that people are not looking for.a kind, caring lover at times like that, at least not from another guy. The lifestyle to me has done little more than to play into my cynicism about human nature. And as an introverted guy that doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon.

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