Swinging Advice – Finding Love as a Single Male In The Lifestyle


swinging, polyamory, & non-monogamy adviceWe here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Q. My girlfriend and I are breaking up after enjoying the lifestyle for 5 years. Our break up is not due to anything lifestyle oriented. My question is what and or where is the best way to meet another woman that are open to the lifestyle. I figured a single woman at a lifestyle event would be as good a place to start as any, but there are very few events that welcome single men. There are so many single guy profiles out there I'm sure I would only make my self crazy looking online and I don't think I want to risk creating a newbie as that alone could ruin a relationship. I have no problem hooking up with the ladies. I'm just looking to improve my odds of finding a lifestyle friendly companion.

Looking forward to hearing your best advice.

A. First let me say, I'm sorry to hear you are going through a breakup, that is never easy, my sympathies.

I don't envy you, my friend, joining the ranks of “single male” in the lifestyle. You've got a huge uphill climb ahead of you. Especially if you're after the tiny crop of unicorns that actually do gallop their way through. As I'm sure you know from having been a swinger, single males in the lifestyle aren't looked upon very favorably. This is the negative effect of a long history of single males in the lifestyle being boorish jerks who don't know how to keep their hands to themselves. I'm not making a generalization about anyone here, I don't believe that single men in the lifestyle are necessarily like this, just pointing out that this is the plate you've been served if you arrive at any number of swing events (clubs, meet-ups, etc) as a single.

I know you feel it might be easier to find a “lifestyle friendly” woman in the lifestyle already, but I fear that you may be better served somewhat outside the swinging world. A site like OK Cupid is known to cater to people a little bit outside the mainstream including the polyamorous and the swingers looking for love. I would suggest just being open and honest very early on. Anyone that your swinging lifestyle would scare away is probably not going to be the kind of person you can find long-term non-monogamous happiness with.

If you want to try within the swinger world, be aware that the unicorn you go up to and hit on (or email, if you're going that route) is also being hit on by couples, girls, other single men. She has all the power in the world in the swinging lifestyle, and because of that, your odds of being able to translate that to a relationship are on the difficult side.

One other way to go would be to ask around in your swinging friends network (if you have one) to see if they know any open-minded lasses who might be looking for a unique relationship.

Any avenue you choose, good luck to you. Let us know how it goes!


About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.

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