Swinging Advice – Eliminating Jealousy & Pleasing Your Partner


swinging, polyamory, & non-monogamy adviceWe here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Q. I am the jealous one, when it comes to my husband being with another woman. My husband is completely fine with wanting me to be with another man. I have finally come to grasps with this and I am ready to try this. I however want to be able to please my husband in every way possible in the future. How do I get over the jealousy issues so that I may one day be able to allow my husband with another woman. I know it's a self-esteem, fear of losing him issue, but just the thought of him even playing with toys with another female, touching, or anything else, brings me to a boil, and it doesn't seem very fair for me to get all the pleasure and for him to get nothing. I want it to be fair. Please help with these crazy jealous feelings! & I want to try this lifestyle, but I want to make sure I am ready, and I know I'm not completely right now, but I want to fix this… please help! Thanks!


A. Hi Mary,

Your problem is a common one, where one party in a couple is completely okay with the whole “swinging thing” and the other WANTS to be, but isn't.

I may be over-reading, but my concerns stem from some of your language, particularly “brings me to a boil.” That sounds pretty serious. Were you just being colorful, or does the thought of him doing anything with another woman REALLY make you intensely jealous? To me, that level of intensity on an emotion means that it will be very hard to overcome. (Not impossible, of course, just very difficult.)

Your husband may also be fine with un-evenness in the open relationship now, letting you be with another man, enjoying the cuckolding fetish perhaps. He may never need anything more than this. Your letter doesn't specify if being with another woman is something that he indeed wants.

The bottom line is there's a large disparity between your willingness to dabble in the lifestyle, and because of that I would suggest you're not quite ready for it. I'd recommend starting with a lot of roleplaying, specifically roleplaying with situations that you're slightly uncomfortable with. Have your husband call you and tell you about an imaginary date with another woman, and how amazing it was, and how that sex made him realize how awesome sex with you is.

You need to be very careful with jealousy, and how large a role it CAN play in your lives. It's the kind of thing that can quickly go nuclear in very unexpected fashions.

All the above said. It's very possible that your husband would be perfectly fine with the situation of you being with other men, and him not being with other women. It's also possible that when you find yourself in the right situation, you will also be completely fine with him with another woman.

But tread very lightly, it's all dangerous ground! Good luck.


About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.


  1. I agree the jealousy will probably be over once you are in the situation. Why not try hiring an escort for the first experience, perhaps your fear is more that he will form some kind of relationship with the other woman?

  2. It seems that the woman thinks that her hubby will form a serious relationship with the woman he plays with and then goes to bed with and then two fuck to orgasm. One needs to separate sexual play and intercourse from love and affection for the other woman or man. That is perhaps the main reason that vanilla couples do not swap mates with other couples for sensuous play not to talk about penile/vaginal intercourse with someone else’s wife or husband.

    Us swingers have reached a level of maturity where going to bed and fucking another man’s wife or watching another man fuck your wife is a very pleasurable experience for both the husband and wife.

    We have known many couples for a long time where the wife is reluctant to engage in intimacy and sexual intercourse with the husband of another couple. The wife thinks that since she is married to her hubby it is somehow inapproriate or sinful for her to play with and go to bed with another man where the two can fuck and enjoy sexual intercourse.

    As more and more couples are introduced to swinging where social and sexual intercourse with someone other than your own mate or husband/wife is the norm, the jealousy factor falls away and both the wife and husband are able to enjoy sexual play and penile/vaginal intercourse with other partners.  the husband and wife then wonder what all the fuss was about. Sex is to be enjoyed within and outside of marriage with a variety of partnmers.


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